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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

At Peace with 'Enough'

The following post was written by Dakini Grace:

Recently, I began noticing a subtle resistance in myself.  Some of you may know it.  It’s a very quiet feeling which shows up soon after waking, when all of the things you think you need to do that day start to layer themselves onto your consciousness.
There’s a heaviness about it.  Not an impossible heaviness, but a heaviness nonetheless.  It’s something which I suspect many of us experience and yet most of us are so busy, rising to alarm clocks and rushing to feed, clothe and dress ourselves and others, that we’ve not the time to notice the internal disquiet.
Working as I do, at sporadic hours of the day and night, I rarely wake to an alarm.  I wake when my body is ready and I allow myself plenty of time to greet the day.  This has been a deliberate choice of mine.  It’s one of the benefits of self employment and one of the reasons I love it so much.  In fact, my whole life is now structured in the way that works best for me and is focused on doing things that I love.  I have literally set up the life of my dreams.
And still there’s this subtle resistance.
But, to what?
It’s easy to spot the problem when you’re in a job you hate or in a relationship which is dissatisfying.  You may not choose to do anything about it, but you do know what the problem is.
When there’s no obvious problem though, a little more investigation is required.
And so, I did.  I investigated.  I sat and watched my thoughts and my emotions.
And what did I find?
I found in myself, an unwillingness to accept what is.  A belief that my life, as it’s unfolding before me, is not enough.
Now this isn’t the first duet that the old ‘It’s not enough’ belief and I have danced.  We are a well rehearsed pair, having danced up a storm as a distraction from a larger/more disturbing belief….

I’m not enough.

Aah, that old friend…
My old friend whose face is rarely seen for what it is.  So often is she wearing a disguise.
She wears the disguise of wanting to get the next promotion and the next one and the next one, even when the more senior jobs are becoming more and more stressful and less and less satisfying.
She masquerades as wanting a bigger house when you’ve more than enough space in your current home and the accumulation of ‘stuff’ required to fill the space is starting to strangle you.
She shows up as needing more friends on facebook, more twitter followers, more LinkedIn contacts.
In the movie, Wall Street, Money Never Sleeps, the protagonist Jacob asks another; ‘what is your walk away figure?  You know, the figure they’ll pay you which will force you to walk away because it’s just too much’.
The answer he receives?  More.
That’s the things about my old friend ‘I’m not enough’.  There is no walk away figure.
When you’re driven by ‘I’m not enough’ there will never be enough money, houses, cars, facebook friends or clients to fill the void.
Having taken the time to turn towards resistance, rather than push it away, I am so grateful that it showed up.  It showed me that my beliefs weren’t in alignment with the truth of who I am.  It showed me that I was holding onto a belief that didn’t serve me. 
It reminded me that I am enough irrespective of the status of my relationship, career or finances, and it showed me that any thought which tells me otherwise is a lie.
Now my mornings are light.  There is no heaviness creeping upon me as I consider my day.  There is openness and an air of excited anticipation about what might arise.  There is gratitude for being.
All so called ‘negative’ emotions are teachers.  All arise to show us a lie we are telling ourselves.  They are like little signposts saying ‘Wrong way. Go back’.  The question is, are you heeding the signpost or driving right on by?

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